recycling...again. Shut up, Kajuana

Hey, did you guys know that I once had another site?? Well, I did. But then I started this one. So anyway. I'm thinking that whenever I don't feel like posting, I'll just go and grab a post from there to recycle. Do you ever read your old stuff and wonder how you have escaped committment this long? Not committment as in romance...committment as in padded rooms and shock treatments and orderlies who slip you knockout drugs so they can sneak a peak at your hoo-ha as you're sleeping. Bastards. But yeah...ever do that?

Well, anyway. I'm gonna go select one and post the link here. That way you can still get your daily (bwah!) dose of Niki.

Ok, this just made me chuckle.
"Hey, random passers by? Read my archives, 'k? Because I'm lazy today. Or, you can just ask me in the comments and I'll answer and realize that there was need for an actual link, and while I still won't provide one, I will feel really bad about it. Actually, not really bad. But there will be a definite fleeting pang of regret. Maybe not a whole pang. Just a ping. Yes, that's it, a fleeting ping of regret for lacking the appropriate link." Hee! I'm such a smart ass.

Ok, off to scour my old site for humor, I am.

Oh, here's a good one!!


"Dear Thursday"

I hate you, you have no friends. Please go away NOW. As of the time of this writing, I have been awake for 3 hours. Would you like to know how it went?

6:30 am-- We have officially overslept. But that's okay, because luckily all hair was done and all clothing laid out last night. As long as nothing goes wrong, we can still make it on time.

6:32 am-- "Uh, mama? My head scarf came off during the night." (insert 5th symphony type bodings of doom, for The Puff has been released.)

6:33 am-- Realize that Cousin Itt (does not begin to do justice to the poofiness of The Puff) has not broken into my home, and this four-foot Koosh Ball is actually my child, sans said scarf. "Oh, no." Yep. The Puff. In full force. I feel the need to interject here that The Puff is a beast so unwieldy that it takes no less than one hour, an exorcism, anointing oils, and the sacrifice of a small mammal to tame it. I was fresh out of squirrels, and we had approximately 10 minutes. I'm up a creek. Paddle, anyone? Yeah, me neither.

6:34 am--After taking a few seconds to fight back the tears, I went for a closer look. Ponytail it is. (You must know that single ponytails irritate The Puff to the degree that you are promised at least a two hour taming session to appease its fury.)

6:36 am--Every. Single. Rubber band. I put on her hair. Pops. Every one. The Puff is angry, and it is letting me know in no uncertain terms. Feel the fury of The Puff. Bring it the heads of young virgins.

6:39 am-- Did you know that pipe cleaners are excellent reinforcements for rubber bands? And the black ones camoflauge nicely in puffy hair. Not that I did exactly this in my desperation, though. Not that at all. I knew I'd pay gravely for my sins tonight, but for now The Puff was bound.6:40 am-- Wow, we got dressed in a flash! Man! I feel like we should be wearing red tights and a cape! We have five minutes, we're team brushing today! (We have to spend exactly two minutes brushing our teeth. The Spawn takes her oral hygiene very seriously. She has a timer and everything. We didn't have time to take turns, so team brushing means we share the sink. Which we hate. Because other people's toothpaste spit. Mingling with our own. Ew.)

6:42 am-- We're dressed, we're brushed, we're gonna make it! Yay!
6:42:17 am-- "Where are your shoes?" Oh, good. There they are.
6:43 am--"Where are your socks?"

" No, you can't wear those. "

"Because they don't match your clothes. "

"Yes, they are pink, but they also have fluffy chiffon ruffles, so YOU CAN NOT WEAR THOSE SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO GET SOME SOCKS."

6:45 am-- "Mama? There's something in my shoe." She takes shoe off to remove offensive object.

6:46 am-- "Ok? Great, let's go." We open the front door.

6:46:07am-- WOOOOOSHHHH. "I'm not going to look. Please tell me that was not the bus."

6:46:08am--"Mama..."

"No."
"Mama..."
'NO."
"Mom...that was th--
"NO. NONONONONONO. NO."
"Mama, you can't "practice avoidance (said as if it is one word)." You have to face the problem first, then deal with it. "

"I've got to get you out of that freakin' school. But first, I have to get you to that freakin' school." We interrupt regularly scheduled programming to mention that my Launch radio is playing The Shirrelles "Mama Said." Shut up, Yahoo.

7:02 am-- "Ok. I've worked it out. You're carpooling to school today. They should be here at
7:30, which gives me plenty of time to catch the next bus and make it to work on time. Off to a rocky start, but it's working out. We can handle this. Let's watch some Lifetime. Ooh! Designing Women!"

7:46 am--"Huh. Guess they're running late. Open the front door so we can be sure to hear the horn.

7:47 am-- WOOOOOSHHHH. "Darn it!!!!"

7:48 am-- Horn beeps. Remind self that one can not shoot laser eyes at people doing you a favor. Even if they aren't there when they said they'd be, so now your kid will be late to school, and you will be late to work. Had you known that they would be late, you could have made arrangements for you both to be there on time. Still, no evil eyes. Placid eyes? Check. (insert fake smile) "Thanks so much! I don't know what we'd have done without you! [except I totally do.]"

7:50 am-- Go to ATM for cash for cab, get a little extra so that I can treat myself to lunch or a pedicure. Call cab.

8:03 am-- Hear strange loud thump next door. Next door where NOBODY LIVES!!!!

8:04 am-- Go to investigate, but cab pulls up. Greet strange man coming from next door as he gets into his maroon Plymouth, licence plate number [deleted] {in case no one hears from me in the next few days.}

8:07 am--Apprehensively give my address to cab driver, wondering if I should stay home. Figuring that it'll be safer to be at work, I don't.

8:24 am-- Get to work, on time. Breathe sigh of relief.

8:27 am-- Go to log in to my... "Where is my computer?!!"

8:27:30 am-- Call cab company to see if I left laptop in cab. I hadn't. Tell laughing operator to send cab back, so that I can go pick up my computer, then ride back to work. Luckily, he's right down the street.

8:46 am-- Strange man in Plymouth is back. I confront him, and find out that my landlord is having work done next door, which will require them to enter my house, too. So he's "hid" keys to both places. In the mailbox next door (because no one will think to look there, right?). Make mental note to shoot landlord or break lease.

8:50 am-- Retrieve laptop, return to work.

9:17 am-- Log in. Hold back tears. Post.

So, how was your morning?



Man. I am so glad I have a car now.